the great miracles that surround you

The universe moves exactly the way that it should. Everything that happens is for a reason. And we are all connected. In some way. All of us.

As the new year approaches I can't help but open my eyes to the beautiful things that surround me. The miracles are too many to speak of, but I will share one story with you because this one stands out most of all.

The other day I woke up with the feeling that I had to go to the Kotel. I just had to go. I decided I would go in the evening once the sun was down. It's just too hot during the day. At about 5ish, after a bizarre encounter with a strange person, a very lost person, I got ancy and decided that I had to go at that moment. Its a 20 minute walk at a good pace and so I was off.

As I approached the Golden Old City I immediately felt relieved. I was going home...to speak to my creator, the Abba of all Abbas. I smiled and nodded at the shop keepers who know me by now and know better than to invite me into their stores. They know I come for one reason, and that is to pray. I feel kind of like Mario when he becomes invincible after eating that special plant. You babies of the eighties know exactly what I am talking about. I pass all the shopkeepers with minimal conversation. I arrive and there are hundreds of soldiers...that brought on the first tear or two. I always sit on the stairs and people watch with a drink before I make my descent. I always sit towards the back of the wall and then move to the side when I am ready to let it all out.

I should first tell you that I had been waiting for calls about career opportunities so it had been a couple of days...I felt I had to speak to you know who for some you know what.

I say Ashrei. The phone rings. Its an amazing job that I had interviewed for, but thought nothing of. They want to meet me again. I told her that I was at the Wall. I told her that I was in shock, but very excited and commited the date and time to memory. I went to my position at the side...the rest of the story too intimate to describe. I did my thing.

I felt fantastic afterwards. Like something on my to-do list had been checked off. Ya know what I mean? When I had access to the first available laptop courtesy of a good friend I had received another invitation to a second meeting with another fantastic company. I screamed. I am sure the neighbours heard. I don't really care. I thanked G-d, and thanked myself for allowing myself to have trust.

Now comes the 3rd miracle. I had been standing in the same place where the heartbroken Arab driver had driven into a crowd of soldiers and civilians only a few hours before. I was shmoozing on my phone, as usual, in the same spot. I had planned to go in the later evening.

All I can say is thank Gd I didn't.

I wish you all a beautiful and inspiring New Year. Use this time to ask for all that you wish for.
Open your eyes to both the small and the great miracles that surround you.

May we all go from strength to strength and from joy to joy.

I once was lost, but now am found...

Well folks I have to tell you all a secret. I am on my way. Elul is panning out exactly as I thought it would. Filled with new beginnings. Fabulous and exciting new beginnings. Having faith. In yourself. In Gd. That's the ticket. Patience. With Gd. With everything. Prayer. I am telling you. Personal Salvation has been the name of my game and I am the winner. I am proud of what has become of the last couple of months. The work is paying off. All great things are worth working for...isn't that how the saying goes? The work is never over, its constant, but its moments like these that we have to kick back and celebrate. And that's what my shabbos is going to be about.

Lately the buzz quote that seems to be popping up all over my life is... 'All endings are also beginnings. We just don't know it at the time...' I can't even begin to tell you how much truth there is in that sentence. They are wonderful beginnings if we choose to see them in that way. The events of the last few months would have made most pack up their things and move home. That is not my path. Of course it was an option, but not the appropriate one at this point. Not yet. I am not giving up on myself or my dreams and this is where I happen to live. Things are moving in a good direction, not moving back to my country of origin. I would run into the streets screaming in excitement if it was socially acceptable. If you really must know how I feel.

Life is a game. If we choose to see it that way. The things we do to occupy ourselves and to make ourselves happy and the outcomes of those things are what we live for. Much like games. We people like to find meaning in everything we do. We want to feel that we are part of something. That we have the ability to make a contribution. I am learning in my experience that it is best is to find a career that is suited to ones personality type rather than searching for a job that might really require a different type of person-ality. I will always be a teacher, but I needed a change. What I will be doing will be using many of the same skills. I had been itching for a change and not listening to myself. It happens. Don't get me wrong, I love writing, but I am not a solitary person, so its preferred to keep it as a hobby. I need to spend the majority of my day schmoozing. With people. Building relationships is what I am all about...

Everyone keep your chins up. Everything is going to be more than OK.

If we let it be.

Moving Forward

It's crazy. Whenever I am in Tel Aviv I miss Jerusalem and whenever I am in Jerusalem I can't wait to get out. Its a real conundrum. But I am trying things out over there. Nothing to lose. Absolutely nothing. This evening, I took one of my final strolls through the market when I got off the monit sherut and just took it all in. This country has real beauty and charm. Jerusalem is a true love. Impossible to truly hate. Maybe one day I will live here again, maybe not. I am open to all possibilities and opportunities now. Absolutely all. Of course only if they feel right. I have no other choice really than to just open my mind and see where things go. Lately I find I enjoy being in moving vehicles. Long drives. It gives me the feeling of moving forward.

For so many months I wasn't moving forward. At least not in this way. Its a whole new vibe I have going on and of course this makes me a bit scared. Who enjoys the unknown? I have taken to speaking with strangers again. I used to do this all the time in university. I have always felt that people are the most interesting things in the world. Tonight I had a pleasant surprise, a very friendly architect and I struck up a conversation. My first friendly chat in Tel Aviv with a perfect stranger. A nice looking one to boot. He took my number as I was getting on the sheirut. Everyone was waiting for me. "Maybe we can make something If I come to Jerusalem or Tel Aviv"... what he meant to say was "Maybe we can do something If I come to Jerusalem or Tel Aviv". I can interpret even the worst of English. I said sure. I like architecture. We have what to talk about.

I don't have much time for distractions anymore. These days require specific focus so I am not waiting for any Knight in shining armor. He will arrive on his white horse when I am open to that type of thing again. This I am sure of. And if he is already around, he is just going to have to wait. Flirting is totally allowed. It keeps me feeling alive. A girls gotta know that she's still got it. And thank gd I do.

I am emotionally unavailable.
I am busy.
I am focused.
I am in transition.
I am strong.

And I am going somewhere.

See you there.

enjoy the music

There is a violinist who moved in next door. It's divine. A wonderful way to end the year. And my time at this address. Whoever they are is professional and of course I think this is beautiful. I played clarinet from the age of 9, I was born to play the licorice stick. I sat first chair in the orchestra for all you music buffs. At the age of 13 I got accepted to one of the best music schools in the US. Circumstances took me elsewhere. That is life. I am grateful for the talent that I developed and maybe one day will pursue music again, but for now I am working on something different. I can appreciate a talented musician. And I can appreciate that everything has its time.

I have decided to change my career path and the very thought of it excites me. A career that allows me to put my university degree to work. I get a real pleasure out of this pursuit as it challenges me to develop myself in new and interesting ways. The hard work that it is entailing is worth it. I will be moving closer to the sea. The thought of that makes me scream inside. And sometimes outside as well when I am alone. I can't stop smiling. To be near the sea is a blessing. B'Kitzur I have been very busy lately, and so I haven't had the time to write. I have been processing, and for me processing takes time. Its all very exciting.

I was speaking to a couple of people today in the na na neighborhood and we were discussing how it is a challenge to live here. No one could explain why. It's soul re-shaping work, if you let it be. Jerusalem especially is an intense place, and not everyone is ready to live here, but it prepares you to live outside of the city, that's for sure. It also makes you tougher. I am becoming tougher and it feels great. I should really say that I am tougher today than I was yesterday.

I am so grateful for everything that I have, and for everything that has made me, me. Life can be simple and enjoyable if you let it be. It is better to learn this sooner rather than later.

Its important to sit back and enjoy the music. That's my plan.

first days

I am letting my inner voice guide me. I have no choice. I am starting from the beginning. Getting to know myself all over again. This is an experience I wouldn't wish upon my greatest enemy but this is something most people must go through at some point in their lives. I think. It feels quite normal and human. Something amazing will come out of all of this. I am sure of it.

Already some great things have happened. I have a new roommate. And she is lovely. Yay. Its a whole new chapter. A whole new energy. But most importantly, a whole new era. I have known her for a while and its just interesting the way the world works. You really never know what is around the corner and that is exciting. In a way.

I will begin to work around the clock. Teaching in the mornings and working for Google in the afternoons. As well as teachers college and private teaching and transcribing. 5 different things to do. Thank gd. I have no choice. I will not have time to write as much, but I will find the time. Life is a challenge here. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I like to start random conversations with people and the word on the street is that its not easy here. Emotionally or financially. I have lived on both sides of the tracks. I grew up one way and circumstances took me another way. I know what its like to have money and not have money. I have decided its good to have it, but to do good things with it. I am working on making it all happen. The hard work is worth it. I have no idea why, but I am certain it is.

Today was the first day of school. One class was manageable, the other slightly less. I am unable to have a sense of humour about it. That bothers me.

Its the first days. And I am feeling patient. Sort of.

Elul 5768

The events of the life that I live here in Nachlaot, have corresponded in perfect synchronism with the Jewish calendar this past month of Av. Its freaky. The fast of Av was the day tower one fell, and the very last tower fell on the very last day of Av. I felt my own personal temple crumble. And it wasn't that much fun. I have to be honest. Holding on for dear life and cherishing what is good have carried me to today, the first day of Elul. They say the King dwells in the fields in the month of Elul. The palace is open. And we are free to visit. The heat of the summer, while still felt, is less than impossible. Last night, I began to feel the winds of change sweeping into my apartment. I really did. If only one event occurred I wouldn't have a reason to write about it. But a force much larger than myself gave this all to me as a gift so that I can enter the next very important stage of my existence. For lack of better words.

I have to admit, today, I am becoming a stronger person because of it. I have faith in the good things that this year will bring. I am not scared. And I am hopeful. I survived an avalanche and I am so grateful. I have survived many... And I know I am not alone.

Living alone is interesting. I have mixed feelings about it. I can play the tunes as loud as I would like. I love that. Its only temporary so I am going to enjoy it. Everything is new. I even started a new job today. I have no choice but to look inwards and upwards and begin the New Year with the emphasis on the new... Having been someone who has always embraced change I am now finding it a challenge. Thats life. Thanks for standing by me while I live it. It changes no matter how much we think it stays the same or how much we want it to stay the same. Its important to have faith in goodness even through the blood, sweat and tears.

This new year may we all be written and sealed in the book of life.

Intimacy

We all need attention. We crave it. But most of all within intimacy. I have been blessed with the opportunity to experience true intimacy. I've been there. It doesn't come around all the time. So in the meantime I went out last night with some nice people and had a great time. I am beginning to feel that stam attention is not such a blessing. In my opinion. I have felt this way for a long time. There was dancing, a bit of drinking, and the usual for a night out on the town. A town that is severely under construction and inconvenient to party in at the moment. Jaffa street looks like a war zone. No joke. I mostly drank water. My usual. I like it straight. Alcohol tastes like poison to me. They say one in five people hate the taste of alcohol. I am that one in five. The people watching, human behavior observation and the music is enough to chill me out. Maybe a few cheeky cigarettes as well. So I sat at the outdoor bar while the girls were inside watching their friends play in a band. Its 1:30am. The same boys who were perfectly respectful at 9pm are now intoxicated and suddenly I feel a bit suffocated.

I keep drinking water. I politely decline all offers of a glass of this or that. They introduce themselves extending their bar hand. I just go with it. The handshake. Its all harmless. I was in great spirits but that inner voice spoke. I tell myself this is just a small moment in time. This too shall be learned from. But I am not in my element. Certainly not. I am all for intellectual conversation or something a little deeper than speaking about my travel experiences. I can do that too. I just don't want to be touched or kissed on the cheek. Not right now, at least. And not for the sake of having baseless intimacy. Anyways, I left with dignity of course. This is not what society tells me to do. This is what I do. I am not interested in attention as much as I am in intimacy. True intimacy that is pure. Maybe due to lack of close ties in a familial sense I crave it, all I know is that it is a huge blessing to have it and it is definitely worth waiting for. Its an amazing force.

So I will wait and do what I do. Which is a good deal too.

Roommate flies back to her country of her birth today. Thank gd for msn. I will miss her and wish her the greatest of the greatest. She is really an incredible girl. You get to know people when you live with them.

Dear August 2008, and the year 5768...

I will be happy when you are over.

I look forward to better things in the coming years.

Sincerely,

TJ